Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Spider!

I've been going through a bit of a "thing" recently with spiders. It started at the lake a couple of weeks ago. I was clearing the spiders off the the canoe so Lori and I could go for a ride. I thought I had done a pretty good job. Then I looked down at one of the dock posts and noticed a spider -- about an inch in diameter including the legs. I took the canoe paddle in my hand to smash it against the post. As I did, I perceived that the spider jumped with alarming speed directly on to my left breast which caused me to

FREAK OUT!

I ripped my shirt off and did a little dance that I'm sure intrigued the neighbors. What I came to realize was that the spider did not jump, rather it EXPLODED onto me. Witness the 1-1/2 inch splatter on my shirt:


Well this just gave me the willies. I went for a short kayak ride (too freaked to get in the canoe). After being nettled by smaller spiders, I shortened my trip.

When I got back to the dock, I looked down and discovered that I had a second, equally large splatter on my swimsuit that I had failed to notice before. Aaaaiiieeee!!!! I freaked out all over again (but left my swimsuit on). I had just been carrying that thing around with me the whole time!

The willies returned. I itched and brushed at myself for hours after that.

There have been several, less dramatic encounters over the last weeks, but mostly the story of big bertha follows me wherever I go.

But now, just sitting here in my office -- in my office -- this:


See that spot in the middle? Yep, it's a spider. And it's not on the wall, either, but dangling in mid air like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. And it is just hanging there between my desk chair and the door to my office, blocking my only way out.

I will gird my loins.

I will do what has to be done.

I feel a bad case of the willies coming on.

7 Comments:

Blogger David said...

By the way, I washed that shirt three times before I wore it again.

4:27 PM  
Blogger bookgirl said...

Well, traumatic events sure do provide good stories! Having been a witness to some portions of this, I can attest to the willies and the consternation all this caused.
But I also hear you captured a wasp in our house yesterday.
Keep up the good fight, and stay brave.

9:56 PM  
Anonymous pete said...

wow. i think horror films start out this way. if any of those spiders injests any toxic waste, we're screwed.

12:50 PM  
Blogger bookgirl said...

Yeah but Pete what if, rather than toxic, it were special happy radiation that provided powers? Say, nice powers? Or even Super Powers?

2:43 PM  
Blogger Portipont said...

David--do you have any rubber bands in your desk? The big ones are best, of course, but the little ones will do in a pinch, and if you have a lot of them.
Practice your shot before going for the prey.
The advantage is that you do not need to get close. I found that a shoe, or rolled up newspaper, or even a broom--anything one hold with which to whack a spider has two problems:
1--the distance between you and the spider is too short
2--even if the distance were long enough, by sticking an object up to the spider all you do is provide a bridge for the spider to run down, then up your arm, then down your shirt, etc...
A rubber band = action at a distance.
And lastly: uhhhhhghhhhh.

3:23 PM  
Anonymous pete said...

lori - yes, you never know if a spider is radioactive and can thus grant you superpowers. which is why i never kill spiders, and usually let them bite me, just i case.

9:37 AM  
Blogger David said...

Quick update, if anyone is still checking . . .

Since posting, I nearly walked into a spider descending from the doorway to our bedroom . . . had a spider land on my shoulder while in the car (I was a passenger, thank goodness) . . . and walked through a spider web that had been built across the entry door of our garage.

9:20 AM  

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